I’m afraid. There, I said it. It’s really not that difficult… now. There was a time in my life not too long ago when I was afraid to admit I was afraid. I thought it displayed weakness or lack of faith. And I needed to be strong; for my family, for others. I was a leader. People looked to me for guidance. Oftentimes fear and pride work together to gang up on us.
On my journey I have discovered I have lots of fears. Some are rather easy to spot. Some of them have been there for a long time, hiding in the shadows of my heart, secretly wreaking havoc on my life. Fears of rejection, and inadequacy in my relationships; with loved ones, with my kids, with friends. Fears of making bad decisions and hurting the people I love. Fears of missing God’s will or disappointing Him and the people I love and respect. I struggle with fear of change, more specifically, fear of the unknown. At times I allow fear to paralyze me in my decision making. I allow it to rob me of joy in living the life God has granted me. Fear keeps me from trusting Him and moving into things that He has called me to, because where I am is familiar and comfortable.
The longer I am in my recovery communities, getting honest and opening up to the guys in my support group, the more fears I see that I have, and the deeper I see those fears are rooted. I see how most of the time fear fuels and drives my brokenness and character defects. But also, the more I open up, the more healing and strength I find.
Confessing those fears is extremely valuable. It benefits me as well as the people around me. When I confess my fears, they begin to lose some of their power and hold over me. Bringing them into the light like that weakens them. When I tell other people some of my fears it gives me a connection with those people because a lot of times they share those same fears. They identify with how I am feeling because they have experienced the same emotions tied to the same fears. But being open and honest about what I’m afraid of can be a huge fear in and of itself! When I tell someone some of my dark, long held fears, I’ve given them something they could now easily use to hurt me. I’m vulnerable.
I can tell you this from experience; my closest, most intimate relationships are with the very small group of people who know exactly what I’m afraid of. They see me for who I am and they love me anyway. They point me to Christ and remind me that He is in control and He is good. These are the people I have grown the most with and I wouldn’t be who I am today without their guidance, their prayers, their love and support.
Confessing our fears to others isn’t a sign of weakness. It is a display of God’s grace in our lives, it takes courage and humility. It shows that we are willing to admit and face those fears, and seek the help we all need to walk through them. Running from them doesn’t work (trust me, I’ve tried) because they come from within us, and everywhere we go… there we are. Same fears, different people and places.
My hope is that by sharing some of my fears and the experiences I’ve had in opening up to trusted people, others will be encouraged to do the same and begin to receive some freedom, healing, and help to move forward in the life God is calling them to.
…For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. (2 Timothy 1:7 ESV)