This post has been on my heart for a while now, but I didn’t want to do it while my sobriety was fresh and new. Because, well honestly, it’s difficult to take someone seriously who only has a few weeks or months of sobriety talking about how different they are now. They may actually be different, but usually the pain and destruction we have caused is still way too fresh. And it does take time to build trust. By God’s grace, I have been sober for several years now. And not just sober, He has given me a way to live in freedom, full of peace and JOY no matter what life brings my way! I can’t tell you how huge that is for me! And even beyond that He has blessed me more than I could have imagined. He has restored my relationships with my children, and I get to do life married to my beautiful best friend who loves me unconditionally.
When we hear the word alcoholic I believe a lot of people have the same idea that I used to. I used to think that an alcoholic is someone who was homeless, jobless, constantly drunk, and every area of their life was just a wreck. And since I always had a job, always provided for my family, was home every evening and night, took my family to church, etc… that wasn’t me. So by that definition I wasn’t an alcoholic, though I was drinking and hiding it from everyone. I knew I had a problem, but I didn’t want to admit what I was struggling with. I didn’t want the stigma that comes with that label. I didn’t want that for myself or for my family. Yet here I am publicly declaring myself an alcoholic. Why?
I wanted to write a post that would help my non-alcoholic friends maybe have a better understanding of the way alcoholics think and what we struggle with. I also hope that this will help alleviate some of the stigma and shame that are attached to the alcoholic label. But most importantly, I want to be able to help someone else who may be struggling with active alcoholism or addiction. There is a solution! It is never too late. You are never too far gone. You can walk in freedom. Please believe me when I tell you, if God can free me, there is hope for anyone!
What is an alcoholic? What does alcoholism look like? It will look a little bit different for each of us, and I can’t cover everything, but generally there are a few main things that we all have in common.
– We can’t drink without getting drunk. A “good buzz” is never enough. For most of us, once we start drinking we don’t stop until the alcohol is gone (though we always know how to find more) or we pass out.
– We can’t stay sober for any substantial amount of time, though we may want to badly. Even if the consequences for drinking are tragic, we can’t not drink.
– A lot of us use alcohol as an escape from the pressures of life or to numb negative/hurtful emotions.
So, what do I mean when I say that I am an alcoholic? For me, I know that if I ever start drinking (seriously one drink) an obsession kicks in and I can’t stop. Finding that next drink becomes the only mission that matters. After the first drink I lose the option of choice. That obsession for more will dominate my thoughts and rule over me for weeks, likely way longer. And once I do decide to quit and sober up, I can’t stay sober. I would be in bondage once more. Without God and lots of help from others, I can’t stop. I will keep going back even though I hate it and want out. Also, it means that, even after years of sobriety, if I don’t stay spiritually fit, when life gets difficult and problems stack up, I’m inclined to deal with it using alcohol. If we use the word “disease” in a way similar to how we use it when talking about the physical body (a sickness, something that keeps the body from being whole), then, it is a mental and spiritual disease. It keeps my mind/spirit from being whole. It is part of my brokenness as a human being living in a sinful world.
Was I born with this bent toward alcohol or did it develop? Honestly I don’t know. In my case it seems like it has always been there. As far back as I can remember, I have never been able to control the amount of alcohol I consume once I get started. What I do know is that when it comes to alcohol, my mind does not think like “normal drinkers”, people who can control it and stop when they want. Stopping drinking for the night when there is more in the bottle makes no sense to me. Does that make me an innocent victim? No. I am 100% responsible for my actions and whether or not I chose to take that first drink. Is not drinking more difficult for me than other people? I don’t know. Maybe. But different things are difficult for different people. Calling it a disease doesn’t take away responsibility.
Knowing all of this, I know that total abstinence is the only thing that keeps this disease in remission. So here’s where all the needed help comes in. The only hope I have for living a “normal” life is to not drink. But, as an alcoholic I tend to drink to deal with problems and numb the pain life often brings… And life will continue happening. How do I now live life on life’s terms without a drink? Sobriety isn’t the answer or the solution. Sobriety is a wonderful byproduct of learning to think and live a totally new way. We’re not looking for sobriety, we’re looking for genuine joy and peace, which come through spiritual growth. Without God and lots of help from others, I don’t think that’s possible. I’ve tried every other way.
Unless you’ve been there (and I pray you never are), it’s hard for me to fully describe what that slavery feels like. The sadness, the deep sorrow that comes from seeing the destruction you are causing; the overwhelming feelings of shame and self-loathing… the despair and utter hopelessness as you watch your life fall apart, hating the drink, wanting out of the pit, but knowing you can’t stop. It was so much bigger than me. I knew God was my only hope. I tried so hard to get and stay sober on my own, just me and God. I tried everything I could think of, begging God through tears to take this bondage away. I couldn’t think my way out of it. I couldn’t pray my way out of it. I tried talking to my pastors. I tried going to rehab. And while I think rehab can help in some situations, and while I do love the local church… no one really knew what to do with me. For me, God is the One doing in me what I could not do for myself and He is doing it through the community and program of Alcoholics Anonymous; specifically through finding a great sponsor/mentor!
The first time I read through the book “Alcoholics Anonymous” I was seriously blown away that a book written in the 1930s could describe how I thought and felt so accurately! I remember thinking “How did they write a book about me nearly 100 years ago? These guys get it.” That was strangely comforting. They were like me, they found a way out, and wrote it down so others could escape the slavery of active alcoholism.
Alcoholism doesn’t care who you are. It doesn’t care about the color of your skin. It doesn’t care how rich you may or may not be. It doesn’t care how smart you may or may not be. It is no respecter of persons. I have friends in recovery who are convenience store clerks, construction workers, police, doctors, nurses, lawyers, mechanics, entrepreneurs, stay-at-home moms, teachers, and pastors. There is no one specific group of people affected.
I’m not going to get into a big theological debate about this because it isn’t the focus of this post, but I have heard “Christians can’t be alcoholics”… Yes, we can! As Christians, when we say we are alcoholics, we’re not saying that is our identity. Our identity is in Christ. We are His followers first and foremost. “Alcoholism” is just a label we give to our specific brokenness, how our minds work, and the sins we struggle with. Every Believer has a particular sin or set of sins that we struggle with more than other sins, and will until we die. And while being an alcoholic is not a sin in and of itself, active alcoholism leads to the sin of drunkenness. The effects of the sin of drunkenness may be more visible than other sins (pride, self-righteousness, greed, covetousness, etc), but it is still just that… sin, like any other sin. It is a sin that Christ bled and died for. He will forgive you. He will take your shame. And if you trust in Him, and seek the help He gives through others, He will deliver you from it daily.
Unfortunately we have brothers and sisters in our churches who are in bondage to alcoholism or addiction and are afraid to ask for help because of the judgment they might receive. I think as a whole, we in the church are slowly getting better at understanding alcoholism. But we need to always remember that it is God’s mercy that leads to repentance. We strive to be like Christ; full of truth and grace. So, brother or sister in Christ, if you are struggling, please reach out to someone for help.
Years ago, when I became a Christian, God saved me out of a selfish life of hardcore addiction and partying. He changed my heart, my desires, and my whole life. My entire friend group (community) changed. I slowly got sober. But I didn’t know that this disease was still there. I didn’t know quickly I could be right back where I came from. I was sober for roughly 17 years, loving Jesus, leading my family, working and serving in churches, leading Bible studies, etc. Then I slowly started isolating myself from my community and, thinking that since it had been so long, now I’m mature enough to handle a drink. That quickly led to the most costly relapse and most painful time of my life. I lost everything I cared about and devastated the people I loved most.
I am an alcoholic. I always will be. That doesn’t go away, it won’t get “cured”; meaning I will never be able to drink like a normal person, so I can’t drink at all. It took a lot of pain for me to finally accept that reality. I hope it doesn’t take others nearly as long or cost them so much. Accepting this fact is the first step to recovery and true freedom.
The question for those of us who are alcoholic is this, will we be in recovery or active alcoholism? Those are our only two options. Having the mental/spiritual disease of alcoholism is not shameful in and of itself. But, it would be tragic to know you have a problem, know that help and freedom are available, and yet continue to hurt yourself and the ones you love through active alcoholism.
There’s absolutely no way to cover everything that needs to be said in one post. So I may do a few follow-up posts later. Also, anyone is welcome to reach out to me at any time for help! Everything I know was freely given to me, so I gladly pass it along.
It is humbling to publicly admit your faults, failures, and weaknesses. But If it will help someone else reach out and get the help they need; if it will help someone start conversations with others that will end up helping loved ones; if it will help people better understand their brothers and sisters who struggle with alcoholism and addiction; if it leads me to depend more on Christ; then I will gladly share my story. I am ashamed of things that I have done in my past, but I am not ashamed to admit that I am a recovering alcoholic in need of God’s grace, who trusts in Jesus Christ for salvation, deliverance, and sobriety… one day at a time.
2 Cor. 12:9-10 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.