There are so many things I’ve learned and continue to learn on this journey; most of it through experience and finding out the hard way. If I can help others in any way by sharing my experience, strength, and hope, I want to do so as much as possible. One of the most helpful things I’ve learned is that other people and external situations are not my problem. I am my problem. My brokenness, my sin. I am my own worst enemy. And, everywhere I go, there I am. So, I must know how to deal with the problem rightly, because it will always be there, lurking in the shadows of my heart looking for opportunities to destroy me.
When we are running from, or numbing, or guarding ourselves against the negative emotions (that we don’t want to feel), we are also unwittingly guarding ourselves against all emotions (even the ones we truly desire to feel). There’s no way to selectively block out specific emotions and let others in. We isolate and insulate ourselves behind our barriers; those impenetrable walls of protection. So if I am running from feelings of inadequacy, the pain of rejection, sadness, loss, etc., I am also blocking out feelings of genuine peace, happiness, joy and other positive emotions.
“When I started in recovery and put down the bottle, I found out that I was crazy as h…”. When I heard someone share this in a meeting the other day, I knew exactly what he meant. I completely identified with that. I never thought that I was a very emotional person, since I wasn’t prone to display much emotion. I just wasn’t one of those “emotional guys”. But when I surrendered and God thankfully took away all of the pain numbing agents and distractions I had been using, I found out quickly that I am an extremely emotional creature. I began to actually feel. Then the floodgate of emotions opened up and everything began to hit me all at once; all of them, positive and negative. If you have spent a while running from or numbing yourself against negative emotions, and then all of a sudden you begin to feel everything (good and bad) all at once… it’s like one big raw exposed bundle of nerves that keeps getting hammered over and over and over relentlessly. How can I have so many conflicting emotions all at the same time? It really will make you feel like you are going crazy. Without God and the people He places in our lives, it is too much for us.
No one can “make” me feel some way or another. Even if I don’t choose the emotion, and my mind, out of my brokenness, just generates it, the other person still did not force that to happen. It’s my choice to feel a certain way. And even if the feelings come to me seemingly uncontrolled, I do have the choice of how I react to them and whether or not I choose to dwell on them. That’s definitely not to say that some people and some situations aren’t difficult. Sometimes life is extremely hard… for very long seasons! Sometimes people can be down right vindictive. But I still get to choose how I respond and react. So, will I do the work to learn how to live life on life’s terms and deal with my emotions rightly, or will I allow them to control me?
It’s okay to not be okay. Negative emotions may be uncomfortable, but they are not something that must be avoided at all costs. It’s okay to feel them, cry out to God, trust Him, and let them pass. Life still goes on. I can function and do everything I need to do whether I am happy or sad. Emotions are just emotions. They are just how I feel about a situation. Emotions are very real and important for sure, but they don’t change my physical realities.
Also feelings and emotions are very subjective. So if I don’t know how to deal with them and sort through everything, I could end up reacting to a situation based on feelings that are inaccurate and way out of proportion to the situation. And, since I’m selfish and self-centered, my feelings often lie to me.
Myself, not others being my problem is actually good news. Because if other people or situations outside of me are my problem, then I have no hope, because I cannot control other people or situations. I become a victim whose emotions are always in flux, at the whims of other people or life circumstances. If I am the problem, then there is something I can do to change. It’s not actually me who changes myself, I can’t change my own heart, but there is still a solution. I can choose to surrender to and work with the One who is able to change my heart and my mind. Through His Spirit, His Word, and His people, He can grant me His peace that surpasses all understanding which will guard my heart and my mind… no matter the situation.
So the answer is simple; not easy, but simple. I don’t always like the way He helps and heals me, but, I am the problem. He is the solution.