As a recovering alcoholic I tell people all the time, when they offer me a drink, that if I were to take them up on that drink, they wouldn’t see me for weeks. That usually gets some laughs or confused looks. But I don’t say that as a joke or for shock value. It’s the truth, and I say it to remind myself of that truth. I know what happens to my mind when I take a drink. It’s a reminder to me that I haven’t been cured. It’s a reminder of what I’ve been saved from, what I have to lose, and how quickly I could lose it all. It also gives me an open door to share a little of my story and what Christ has done for me.
One of the biggest things that “normal drinkers” don’t understand about alcoholics is the mental obsession. It’s not a disease of the body, in that my body would just crave another drink or crave the buzz or whatever. Though that is a part of it. I enjoyed how alcohol made me feel physically (at first anyway). The disease is in my mind. My mind is broken, especially when it comes to alcohol. The thought of drinking would absolutely dominate my mind. This is the part of alcoholism that unfortunately took me a long time to figure out and come to terms with.
When I was actively drinking my mind was absolutely dominated and controlled by alcohol. When can I take my next drink? Where is my next drink coming from? Do I have enough? How am I going to hide this from everyone? How am I going to pay for my next drink? Where did I hide that empty bottle? Where did I hide that bottle I bought for tomorrow? It was a mind prison! And then in early recovery when I was quitting, there was a physical component for the first few days or couple weeks. But the mental obsession was so much worse! It took months to come out of that fog… lots and lots of months. It was torture! “I don’t want to drink. I don’t want to drink. I don’t want to drink. A drink sure would taste good right now. I don’t want to drink. I drink sure would make this emotional pain go away. I don’t want to drink. I don’t want to drink. I bet I probably could handle it this time. I don’t want to drink. If I get off work early I have a few hours before the meeting starts. I don’t want to drink.” ABSOLUTE BONDAGE!
The mental obsession with drinking was the last thing to go in recovery so far. And I know from experience it is the very first thing that will come back if I take that first drink. I never want to live in that slavery again! This is one of the main things God saves us from as recovering alcoholics. This is one of the things He does for us that we could not do for ourselves.
I couldn’t tell you at what point in recovery the obsession lifted. It just slowly did. I just kept calling and reaching out for help, talking to others, taking advice, doing the next right thing, one step at a time, one day at a time, asking the Lord to remove the obsession and trusting Him for grace and strength along the way. I looked back one day and thought, huh, I haven’t thought about a drink in a while. That’s awesome! When I tell people how grateful I am to be sober, I don’t just mean physically. God has given me a sober mind!
There is no “cure” for it. I will never be able to drink like normal people. I will always be one drink away from going back to that bondage. That is the truth that took me a painfully long time to understand and accept. Though there is no cure, there is a solution! By God’s grace I have a way to keep it in remission; a way to live and enjoy a wonderful, happy, sober life – by never taking that first drink. Now, learning to live life on life’s terms, dealing with the emotions and the pain and everything else life throws at me without taking a drink… That is a whole other story (or stories) of God’s grace that He is still writing. I love sharing those experiences too.
I never share my stories for sympathy. I am not a victim. Every time I picked up that first drink, it was my choice. I deeply regret the pain that I caused the people I love, the people who love me. I absolutely hate how long it took me to get it. But I share my stories as a personal reminder that I never want to go back. I share them to give honor, credit, and glory to my savior Jesus Christ. And I share them as a way to offer hope to others who are struggling. There is a solution! He still saves!