I’ve posted some parts of this before a while back. It’s a little long, but I had a lot I wanted to say š And, since then, a lot of life has happened, so I’ve updated it a bit. Also, I have been blessed to be able to meet lots of new people who may not know my whole story (they may only see ātoday Chad”, who admittedly has a great life!). And while there are painful, shameful, embarrassing parts of that story that I regret, I love being able to offer hope by sharing what God has done in my life. The brokenness and despair are REAL. But, thank God so is grace, mercy, forgiveness, recovery, healing, and LIFE beyond active alcoholism.Ā
For some people enslaved in active alcoholism the problem is visible and apparent to everyone around them, even if they can’t see it themselves. Their life is a chaotic mess and they’re living in a selfish fantasy of denial. For others, like I was, the outward appearance is still mostly there, but that isolated, private, internal battle they keep losing is slowly ripping them apart from the inside out. If you or someone you know happen to be in this category, the proverbial crap may not have hit the fan just yet; but the fuse has been burning for a while, and trust me, without getting helpā¦ that crap-bomb WILL go off and it will destroy your life, bringing devastation and harm to everyone around you that you love so much! Please believe me, it will happen to you. Yes, you. Whatever stage you may find yourself in, there is help, there is hope.
I didnāt write this while my sobriety was fresh and new. Because, well honestly, it’s difficult to take someone seriously who only has a few weeks or months of sobriety talking about how different they are now. It may be true this time. They may actually be different, it might have actually clicked this time; but usually the pain and destruction we have caused is still way too fresh for anyone to listen. It just takes time to rebuild trust. By God’s grace, I have been sober for several years now. And not just sober, He has given me a way to live in freedom, full of peace and JOY no matter what life brings my way! I canāt tell you how huge that is for me! And while some damage is irreparable and some scars are permanent, He has truly blessed me more than I could have imagined. He has restored my relationships with my children, and I get to do life married to my beautiful best friend who loves me unconditionally.
I wanted to write something that would help my non-alcoholic friends maybe have a better understanding of the way alcoholics think and what we struggle with. I also hope that this will help alleviate some of the stigma and shame that are attached to the alcoholic label. But most importantly, I want to be able to help someone else who may be struggling with active alcoholism or addiction. I wanted you to see that I really do know what you’re going through. You’re not alone. There is a solution! It is never too late. You are never too far gone. You can walk in freedom. Please believe me when I tell you, if God can free me, there is hope for anyone!
What Is Alcoholism/An Alcoholic?
When we hear the word alcoholic I believe a lot of people have the same idea that I used to. I used to think that an alcoholic is someone who was homeless, jobless, constantly drunk, and smelled bad; every area of their life was a total wreck. Maybe they even lived under a bridge and begged for money all the time. And since I always had a job, always provided for my family, was home every evening and night, took my family to church, taught Bible studies, led men’s groups in my home, and showered regularly, etcā¦ that wasn’t me. So by my own definition I wasn’t an alcoholic, though I was drinking daily and hiding it from everyone. I knew I had a problem and I wanted to stop, but I didn’t want to admit what I was struggling with. I didn’t want the stigma that comes with that label. I didn’t want that for myself or for my family. I didn’t want to be an embarrassment to my kids. Yet now here I am publicly declaring myself an alcoholic. Why? To bring the hope of freedom in Christ to those in bondage! As you’ll see, when you’ve finally had enough, when you come to the end of yourself, when rock bottom actually arrives and you’re genuinely ready to do whatever it takesā¦ that is a beautiful disaster.
What does alcoholism look like? First off I want to differentiate between alcoholics living in recovery versus alcoholics who are active in their drinking. I’ll explain this a little more later, but people who are alcoholic in their thinking will always be alcoholics, but they hopefully will not always be active in their addiction. It will look a little bit different for each of us, and I canāt cover everything, but generally there are a few main things that we all have in common.
– Alcoholics canāt drink without getting drunk. A āgood buzzā is never enough. For most of us, once we start drinking we don’t stop until the alcohol is gone (though we always know how to find more or something else) or we pass out.
– Active alcoholics can’t stay sober for any substantial amount of time without help, no matter how badly we actually want to. Even if the consequences for drinking are dire and tragic, we canāt not drink. We always find an excuse (stress, anxiety, depression, bad day, good day, celebration, party, or just because). We may not even know ourselves.
– In active alcoholism, even when we’re āsober”, that obsession, that urge to drink is still controlling our thoughts. “Normal lifeā is just a side show while we wait for the main event of getting that drink. When I tell you the bondage is real, I mean it.
– A lot of us use/used alcohol as an escape from the pressures of life or to numb negative/hurtful emotions.
– Some of us drink in order to run from, cover up, shove down, or compensate for those life-long insecurities and weaknesses we’ve always wrestled with.
Why Do I Say That I’m Still A Recovering Alcoholic?
As a recovering alcoholic I tell people all the time, when they offer me a drink, that if I were to take them up on that drink, they wouldn’t see me for weeks. That usually gets some laughs or confused looks. But I don’t say that as a joke or for shock value. It’s the truth, and I say it to remind myself of that truth. I know what happens to my mind when I take a drink. It’s a reminder to me that I haven’t been cured. It’s a reminder of what I’ve been saved from, what I have to lose, and how quickly I could lose it all. It also gives me an open door to share a little of my story and what Christ has done for me.
One of the biggest things that “normal drinkers” don’t understand about alcoholics is the mental obsession. It’s not a disease of the body. It’s not that my body just craves another drink or craves the buzz or whatever (though that is a part of it). I won’t lie, I enjoyed how alcohol made me feel (at first anyway). The disease is in my mind. If we use the word “disease” in a way similar to how we use it when talking about the physical body (a sickness, something that keeps the body from being whole), then, it is a mental and spiritual disease. It keeps my mind/spirit from being whole. It is part of my brokenness as a human being living in a sinful world.
I know that if I ever start drinking (seriously one drink) a mental obsession kicks in and I can’t stop thinking about it. It becomes all about me, and finding that next drink becomes the only mission that matters. As a Christian, husband, and father, to me this is the most shameful part of active alcoholism. The God I worship and follow, and the people I love more than anything in this world (who, at any other time, I would do anything for!), now take a backseat to my selfish pursuit of trying and failing to find joy in a bottle. No matter how long I’ve been sober, after that first drink I lose the option of choice. My mind is broken, especially when it comes to alcohol. The thought of drinking would absolutely dominate my mind. This is the part of alcoholism that unfortunately took me a long time to figure out and come to terms with. It’s not āa lot of drinks” that get me in troubleā¦ it’s the first one; just one.
When I was actively drinking my mind was absolutely dominated and controlled by alcohol. ” When can I take my next drink? Where is my next drink coming from? Do I have enough for tonight? Do I have enough for tomorrow? How am I going to hide this from everyone? How am I going to pay for my next drink? Where did I hide that empty bottle? Where did I hide that bottle I bought for tomorrow?ā On and on. I was constantly thinking about it and planning it. It was a mind prison!
Then in early recovery when I was quitting, there was a physical component for the first few days or couple weeks. But the mental obsession was so much worse! It took months to come out of that fogā¦ lots and lots of months. It was torture! āI don’t want to drink. I don’t want to drink. I don’t want to drink. A drink sure would taste good right now. I don’t want to drink. I drink sure would make this emotional pain go away. I don’t want to drink. I don’t want to drink. I bet I probably could handle it this time. I don’t want to drink. I don’t want to drink.ā ABSOLUTE BONDAGE!
The mental obsession with drinking was the last thing to go in recovery. And I know from experience it is the very first thing that will come back if I take that first drink. I never want to live in that slavery again! This is one of the main things God saves us from as recovering alcoholics. This is one of the things He does for us that we can not do for ourselves.
I couldn’t tell you at what point in recovery the obsession lifted. It just slowly did. I just kept calling and reaching out for help, talking to others, taking advice, doing the next right thing, one step at a time, one day at a time, asking the Lord to remove the obsession and trusting Him for grace and strength along the way. When finally I looked back one day and thought, āHuh, I haven’t thought about a drink in a while. That’s awesome!ā When I tell people how grateful I am to be sober, I don’t just mean physically. God has given me a sober mind and restored my sanity!
Born With Alcoholism? Is It A Disease?
Was I born with this bent toward alcohol or did it develop? Honestly I don’t know. In my case it seems like it has always been there. As far back as I can remember, I have never been able to control the amount of alcohol I consume once I get started. What I do know is that when it comes to alcohol, my mind does not think like “normal drinkers”, people who can control it and stop when they want. Stopping drinking for the night when there is more in the bottle makes absolutely no sense to me. Does that make me an innocent victim? No! I am 100% responsible for my actions, especially whether or not I chose to take that first drink.
Is not drinking more difficult for me than other people? I don’t know. Maybe. But different things are difficult for different people. Everyone has their own battles and struggles. Calling it a disease doesnāt remove culpability and responsibility. Calling it a disease does not mean that active alcoholism isn’t sinful. It most certainly is (more on that later).
I don’t dwell on it all the time. It doesn’t define me, But I think of it as a disease to remind myself that it is still always with me, always inside me. I am always one drink away from this sickness destroying my life. Knowing all of this, I know that total abstinence is the only thing that keeps this disease in remission.
Getting Help… Community!
The solution is so simpleā¦ just don’t drink. But, simple doesn’t mean easy. For someone in active alcoholism this is the most difficult thing they have ever tried. And it is made more difficult because of all the failed attempts alone. So here’s where all the needed help comes in. The only hope I have for living a “normal” life is to not drink. At all. But, as an alcoholic I tend to want to drink in order to deal with problems and numb the pain life often bringsā¦ And life will continue happening. How do I now live life on life’s terms without a drink? Sobriety isn’t the answer or the solution. Sobriety is a wonderful byproduct of learning to think and live a totally new way. We’re not looking for sobriety, we’re looking for genuine joy and peace, which come through spiritual growth. Without God and lots of help from others, I don’t think that’s possible.
I’ve tried every other way. Without my solid sponsor and a small core group of men whom I called constantly for at least the first year or two (And still talk to multiple times a week), and without going to meetings all the timeā¦ there is no way I’m sober today, and a better than good chance I would have unintentionally drank myself to death. Without help, that is where this disease takes us all. There aren’t many options for untreated alcoholism. It really is only a matter of time before we end up in jail, mental institutions, or the graveā¦ perhaps a combination of the three, but that’s it. A very bleak picture, I know. But that is the truth, and every recovering alcoholic will tell you the same.
Unless you’ve been there (and I pray you never are), it’s hard for me to fully describe what that slavery feels like. The sadness, the deep sorrow that comes from seeing the destruction you are causing; the overwhelming feelings of shame and self-loathingā¦ the despair and utter hopelessness as you watch your life fall apart, hating the drink, wanting out of the pit, but knowing you canāt stop because you’ve tried so many times. It was so much bigger than me. I knew God was my only hope. I tried so hard to get and stay sober on my own, just me and God. I tried everything I could think of, begging God through tears to take this bondage away. I couldn’t think my way out of it. I couldn’t pray my way out of it. I tried talking to my pastors. I tried going to rehab. And while I think rehab can be helpful, and while I do love the local churchā¦ no one really knew what to do with me.
God is the One doing in me what I could not do for myself. He did it and is doing it through the community and program of Alcoholics Anonymous; specifically through finding a great sponsor/mentor! While I believe people can get and stay sober and happy through other means/programs, I don’t believe long-term sobriety and true freedom and joy can happen without Christ and being part of a loving, supporting community. For me that was & is AA. In the beginning I didn’t want AA to work for me. I looked for anything and everything else to work so that I wouldn’t have to go to āthose meetings” or be one of “those peopleā. But there I found my people; people just like me. I found that loving, supporting community who accepted me as I was and just wanted to help me get and stay sober. I genuinely love my home group! We all need each other! We were created and designed to live in community, supporting one another.
The first time I read through the book “Alcoholics Anonymous” I was seriously blown away that a book written in the 1930s could describe how I thought and felt so accurately! I remember thinking “How did they write a book about me nearly 100 years ago? These guys get it.” That was strangely comforting. I felt understood. They were like me, they found a way out, and wrote it down so others could escape the slavery of active alcoholism.
Alcoholism doesn’t care who you are. It doesn’t care about the color of your skin. It doesn’t care how rich you may or may not be. It doesn’t care how smart you may or may not be. It is no respecter of persons. I have friends in recovery who are convenience store clerks, construction workers, police, doctors, nurses, lawyers, mechanics, entrepreneurs, stay-at-home moms, teachers, and pastors. There is no one specific group of people affected.
If you are struggling with active alcoholism, again the solution is simple. The easiest way to begin reaching out for help Is to simply go to a meeting. You don’t even have to be sober to go to a meeting. If you are honestly looking for help, just show up. There are AA groups meeting all around the country. In most towns and cities you can find one that meets at least weekly if not multiple times a week or daily. Go to meetings, as many as you can, listen and take advice, get a sponsor!
Alcoholism Doesn’t Care How Long You’ve Been Sober!
Years ago, when I became a Christian in my early 20s, God saved me out of a selfish life of hardcore addiction and partying. He changed my heart, my desires, and my whole life. My entire friend group (community) changed. I slowly got sober. But I didn’t know that this disease, this particular sin was still there. I never truly dealt with the underlying issues that led to wanting a drink, wanting an escape. I didn’t fully understand how deceptive this sin is. And I didn’t know quickly I could be right back where I came from. I was sober for roughly 17 years, loving Jesus, leading my family, working and serving in churches, leading Bible studies, etc. Then I slowly started isolating myself from my community, trying to deal with some other issues on my own, and, thinking that since it had been so long, now I’m mature enough to handle a drink. I knew it would help me relax. That quickly led to the most costly relapse and most painful time of my life. I lost everything I cared about and devastated the people I loved most.
Christian Alcoholics?
I’m not going to get into a big theological debate about this because it isn’t the focus of this post, but I have heard that “Christians can’t be alcoholics”… Yes, we can! As Christians, when we say we are alcoholics, we’re not saying that is our identity. Our identity is in Christ. We are His followers first and foremost. “Alcoholism” is just a label we give to our specific brokenness, how our minds work, and the sins we struggle with. Every Believer has a particular sin or set of sins that we struggle with more than other sins; and will until we die. And while being an alcoholic is not a sin in and of itself, active alcoholism leads to the sin of drunkenness, selfishness, and many, many others. The effects of the sin of drunkenness may be more visible than other sins (pride, self-righteousness, greed, covetousness, etc), but it is still just thatā¦ sin, like any other sin. It is a sin that Christ bled and died for. He will forgive you. He will take your shame. And if you trust in Him, and seek the help He gives through others, He will deliver you from it daily.
Unfortunately we have brothers and sisters in our churches who are in bondage to alcoholism or addiction and are afraid to ask for help because of the judgment they might receive. I think as a whole, we in the church are slowly getting better at understanding alcoholism. But we need to always remember that it is God’s mercy that leads to repentance – from all sin. We strive to be like Christ; full of truth AND grace. So, brother or sister in Christ, if you are struggling, please reach out to someone for help.
Like I said earlier, I love the local church. Fellowship in a healthy, local, bible-believing, gospel teaching church Is a huge part of our spiritual growth and development. The local church is the main mechanism God has instituted for our spiritual growth. So, my fellow alcoholic, along with whatever recovery program you are getting help from, find a solid church and get involved. Don’t bail out on church just because something might have happened in the past and there’s hurt there. No church is perfect. No recovery group is perfect. We all have our sins and issues that God is correcting and maturing us through.
Living A Joyful Life As A Recovering Alcoholic.
I am an alcoholic. I always will be. That doesn’t go away. It won’t get “cured”; meaning I will never be able to drink like a normal person, therefore I can’t drink at all. It took a lot of time and pain for me to finally accept that reality. I hope it doesn’t take others nearly as long or cost them so much. Accepting this fact is the first step to recovery and true freedom.
It took time for me to learn how to talk to others, trusting them with my life and decisions and humble myself to take their advice and suggestions. I learned how to trust the Lord leading me through those trusted men. Recovery happened, one step at a time, one day at a time, one decision at a timeā¦ just doing the next right thing.
The question for those of us who are alcoholic is this, will we be in recovery or in active alcoholism? Those are our only two options. Having the mental/spiritual disease of alcoholism is not shameful in and of itself. But, it would be tragic to know you have a problem, know that help and freedom are available, and yet continue to hurt yourself and the ones you love through active alcoholism.
Trusting Christ Daily.
There’s absolutely no way to cover everything that needs to be said in one post, but I hope I have been able to help someone. Also, anyone is welcome to reach out to me at any time for help! I’m far from knowing everything, but the things I know were freely given to me, so I gladly pass them along.
It is humbling to publicly admit your faults, failures, and weaknesses. But If it will help someone else reach out and get the help they need; if it will help someone start conversations with others that will end up helping loved ones; if it will help people better understand their brothers and sisters who struggle with alcoholism and addiction; if it leads me to depend more on Christ; then I will gladly share my story. I am ashamed of things that I have done in my past, but I am not ashamed to admit that I am a recovering alcoholic in need of God’s grace, who trusts in Jesus Christ for salvation, deliverance, and sobrietyā¦ one day at a time.
2 Cor. 12:9-10
But he said to me, āMy grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.ā Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Romans 1:16
For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believesā¦